WHY HARRY KANE SHOULD REBUFF ENGLAND AND IGNORE THE PRESS

Everybody is talking about Harry Kane at the moment and most of them are the wrong sort of people. I’m talking about the press, or more specifically, football pundits on television. Let’s just state some facts first. I have been a Tottenham fan since 1987 and I am really enjoying what Harry Kane has been providing us this season. He is young, passionate, very hardworking, grounded, committed and scoring for fun. But pundits are beginning to talk total nonsense, much like they do about England’s chances every time the World Cup comes around. I’m a Kane fan, but all he has had so far, is half a good season in a Spurs team that is at the beginning of it’s growth cycle. Now is not the time to be burdening him with International expectations or heaping any more pressure on him than what strikers already inherently have.

Take this past weekend on BBC’s Match of the Day. The two pundits were the Weetabix Danny Murphy and the ‘Powder Puff’ Jermaine Jenas. It seems these days that the only prerequisite to becoming a pundit is that you are an ex player. Murphy could not hold down a regular place in a very mediocre Spurs side 9 years ago and only won 9 England caps in a 20 year playing career. Jenas is only 31, but appears to be either too lazy or too crocked to find a club. Inexplicably he managed to win 21 caps for England. Neither are qualified coaches and neither have been managers. Hardly great credentials to pass judgement on a young player’s potential and development are they?

I think the worst thing that came out of Murphy’s mouth was, “build the team (England) around Harry Kane.” This is absurd. Give the kid a break. It has taken him years to get to this point and several loans to other clubs as well. He has had to either work much harder than other players or be a late developer, because players like Rooney and Giggs burst on the scene at 17. Kane is 21 but closer to being 22. This kind of ‘knee-jerking’ idiocy infuriates me. The same kind of idiocy that accompanied Andros Townsend this time last year. He scored a couple of goals and ran about quite fast which caused some ‘experts’ to claim he was filling Gareth Bale’s boots adequately and was a ‘shoe-in’ for the World Cup. Where is he now then lads? Yep, he is in the Tottenham ‘C’ Team, also known as the Europa League squad. Once Harry Kane has been knocking in 20+ goals a season for 3 or 4 years and has some silverware then let’s have the ‘England chat’ yeah?

Let me remind you of a few ‘flavour of the months’ you might have forgotten :- Gabriel Agbonlahor 3 caps, Dean Ashton 1 cap, Jay Bothroyd 1 cap, Fraizer Campbell 1 cap, Stan Collymore 3 caps, Brian Deane 3 caps, John Fashanu 2 caps, Franny Jeffers 1 cap, David Nugent 1 cap and Michael Ricketts 1 cap. Tangible proof that anyone can get a call-up these days. Not to mention those strikers who were prolific at club level down the years but were unable to make the step up to International class, such as Andrew Cole, Tony Cottee, Darren Bent, Kerry Dixon, Robbie Fowler, Peter Osgood and Matt Le Tissier. As you can see, nothing and no-one is guaranteed success at that level.

If Harry Kane looks after himself and is protected by his club, he is looking at at least another 15 years in the game. Why add unnecessary miles to the clock by playing International matches? He could suffer burnout or much, much worse, a debilitating injury in a friendly against Andorra, or some other equally pointless football nation. Why risk your ‘bread and butter’ and any possible club legacy by flying thousands of miles all over the world and playing in violent, racist countries? It’s extra work and wear and tear on the body that he just doesn’t need.

By far the biggest reason I can think of as to why he should boycott England, is because they’re shit. In 143 years of International competition, England have won just one World Cup, ( on home soil ), and never made it to a European Championship final. In my lifetime they have failed to qualify for 2 World Cups and 2 Euros. It is well documented the pressure that gets placed upon the shoulders of England players and managers. Harry really doesn’t need a vegetable superimposed on his forehead by a British tabloid newspaper. International football is the most corrupt of the lot, FIFA is riddled with corruption and it goes all the way to the very top. Nations like Angola, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, San Marino and the Faroe Islands etc. are all a pathetic waste of playing time and shouldn’t get anywhere near Wembley.

Another strong reason to ignore a call-up, is the general apathy a typical fan of a Premier League club has towards the England team. England have let down their fans for generations, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and being completely retarded when it comes to winning a penalty shoot out. The average fan cannot relate to the average Premier League footballer. In the 1960s they would drink together in a pub near the ground, they would even take public transport together. It has been well documented by surveys that given the choice of their club doing well or England doing well, most fans would pick their club. It is also well documented that the majority of travelling England fans are supporters of lower league and non-league clubs. The players that currently populate the England squad earn millions of pounds a year and wouldn’t be seen dead in a local fans pub. This ‘Big Time Charlie’ attitude has alienated fans and the general lack of success and perceived effort only serves to compound this.

So I will finish with this Harry; think very hard about things before you make a decision. The pundits and journalists that are praising you now and clamoring for your inclusion for the pointless friendly against Italy next month, will be the same pundits and journalists baying for your blood if it doesn’t go well. These people exist to build you up so they can knock you right down. They are fickle ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. The only pundits you can trust are Sam Wallace, Gary Lineker, Gary Neville and me!

CHELSEA FC

When I heard there was a wicked and clandestine media campaign against Chelsea F.C., I just knew I had to help. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s bullying and injustice, so I offered them my investigative journalism skills for free. Chelsea have had a difficult and unjust history, dating all the way back to when they were first founded in 1994. In 21 years of being held back, they have only won 3 Premier League titles, 6 FA Cups, 3 League Cups, 1 Champions League, 1 Europa League, 1 Cup Winners Cup, 1 Uefa Super Cup, 3 Community Shields and 3 Youth Cups. In this time they have also finished FA Cup runners-up twice, Premier League runners-up 4 times, Champions League runners-up once, League Cup runners-up once (in 2008 by Tottenham) and FIFA Club World Cup runners-up once. I started to think they would have won everything if it wasn’t for Jamie Redkapp. I continued to dig further.

The trouble seemed to start when the footballing illuminati forced a businessman called Matthew Harding to invest over £25million in the club, which signalled the end of Chelsea being able to nurture their own talent. They could now only depend on expensive foreign imports in order to survive. But this wasn’t enough for the despicable and sinister people running their campaign of terror and hate. So they decided to accelerate Chelsea’s demise by installing their own Russian oligarch called Roman Abramovich, the 50th richest person in the world with $9.5 billion. Roman has the ability to close down half a dozen restaurants for one night, covering all potential losses of revenue, because his wife can’t decide which one she wants to go to until the very last minute. He also has Vladimir Putin in his back pocket. Almost overnight Chelsea began to buy all the best players in the world, win loads of trophies, build a huge modern stadium and consistently qualify for the Champions League. His sabotage and subterfuge knew no bounds. His latest tactic has been to buy every single player with a pulse and then loan them back to their old club, just so none of their rivals can acquire them. This is so out of order for such a nice club like ‘the blues.’

I have also uncovered a deliberate attempt to discredit their playing staff with unfounded slurs and rumours. An evil genius has infiltrated the changing room by introducing a cyborg called John Terry. He has been programmed to elicit hatred and vile disgust as a massive racist, a violent, cheating thug and a backstabbing, cheating lothario, whom shags his teammate’s wives and girlfriends. They even made his father buy and sell drugs. This obviously made the general public alter their perceptions of the club, which in turn has had a chain reaction of a loss of atmosphere inside the stadium on match days.

As I have uncovered and demonstrated, there is indeed a horrid and malicious campaign being conducted against this once pathetic club and all of my research keeps leading me back to Jamie Redknapp. Could that mean that Harry Redknapp is the higher power?

Fernando Ricksen

On my Facebook news feed today there was a story about the former professional footballer Fernando Ricksen. Apparently he is now suffering with Motor Neurone Disease. I thought to myself, “I remember that name, he played for Rangers I think, I’ll look him up on Wikipedia.” His page is basically one huge rap sheet. This guy was a complete asshole and a criminal! Multiple red cards and Kung-fu kicks on opponents, bans, vandalism in hotels, elbowings, fines, drunkenness, harassment of air hostesses, injuring opponents with reckless tackles, punch ups with teammates and to top it all off, drink driving, drunken assaults and breaches of the peace. Now he’s ill, so what?

Celtic, the fierce enemy to his former employer Rangers, are giving him £10,000 and he’s getting a charity game as well. Hang on a minute, he doesn’t deserve this. I’m sure there are many sufferers of this fatal disease across the world, all fighting it with humility and dignity. They aren’t getting any free cash. This asshole earned thousands of pounds every week as a professional footballer, where’s all his money gone? Anyway, the entire western world spent 6 months last year drowning themselves in iced water for Motor Neurone Disease. It’s had it’s 15 minutes in the fundraising sun, now it needs to fuck off to the back of the queue.

DEAR JOHN

To my beloved Spurs,

There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just gonna come straight out with it. I need some space and I think it’s a good idea if we don’t see each other for a while. And before you start accusing me of anything it has nothing to do with any other football team. I told you after my affair with Everton in the late ’80’s I would never cheat on you again.

Just lately it feels like I’m doing all the giving and you’re doing all the taking. I’ve noticed that you’re getting lazy and making lots of mistakes. You’re not the same team you were 2 years ago. I’ve tried talking to you about it but all you do is promise it won’t happen again. I wash all your shirts and do I get a thank you? No I don’t! Then there are all these business trips you go on of a Thursday evening. Not once have you invited me but I haven’t doubted your fidelity. I know you’ve been hurt in the past and lost many loved ones. I know you were devastated when Paul left you for that Italian team all those years ago. You don’t seem to recognise that I’ve stood by you through thick and very fucking thin. You think the answer is going out and getting new players. The answer to your worries is most certainly not found in the Belgians. You really don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. I know Gareth hasn’t written to you in while but you have to try and stay strong and never let go of hope he might one day be found and returned to us.

I’m not going to tell you where I’ve gone, so don’t try to look for me. I feel too beleaguered to enjoy the Christmas fixture list this month. Hopefully some time away will make both of us reassess our relationship. You know how much I love you, I’ve always loved you. We’ve been together for 27 years and it was love at first sight. You were playing Watford in those Hummel shirts and you had a fantastic array of mullets with hairspray. Of course we’ve had our ups and downs, our good times and the bad. Do you remember the dodgy Argentinian lodger who nearly ruined everything for us. What was his name again? Ozzie something?

I hope you understand that I’m at my wit’s end and I can’t bare to see you like this. I need to go away and recharge my batteries. Hopefully we can be together and happy again, in which case a little bit of absence might make our hearts grow fonder. I really do hope you find the 3 points you’re looking for.

Love

Mark