Earlier on I thought I would struggle to have something to write about today, but that was very silly of me, because a cursory glance at a tabloid newspaper website has written this entry for me. Before I start, I will say that from now on, I will have to make a concerted effort not to read this kind of news medium. I never watch the news on television, unless something pretty major has happened and lots of humans have died. I also avoid BBC’s ‘Question Time’. It used to be one of my favourite programmes 6 or 7 years ago, but that was when I was completely naive to the world around me. I’ve always liked ‘debate’ you see, but there’s no debating societies to join where I live. In the past year I have acquainted myself with some of the best thinkers, philosophers, polemicists and stand up comedians the last 50 years has produced. People such as George Carlin, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry, Christopher Hitchens, Bill Hicks, Bill Burr, Bill Maher, Gore Vidal and David Icke, to name but a few. Listen to them and study their work. They have completely sussed out everything by debunking religion, politics, war, media bias and supposed democracy.
I will not be reading the Daily Mail either nor listen to Jeremy Vine or Jeremy Kyle. They are parodies of the concept that the media deliberately ramp up the fear in people to keep them under control and dependent on them. Twenty years ago you couldn’t eat burgers, 25 years ago you couldn’t eat eggs, then red wine prevented cancer, now it gives you cancer, drink more white wine instead, no wait….hang on, that will kill you too. Cut down on the red meat, don’t eat red meat! Go jogging, don’t go jogging, as doing loads will kill you the same as doing none. Listen up everyone, I’m afraid we’ve got some bad news for you. You can’t even perform oral sex anymore, as that will give you mouth cancer. Why are all the best things in life so bad for you? That’s a blog all of its own, I think I’ll work on that in the days to come. Just this week new research was published and reported to say now 1 in every 2 of us will get cancer, rather than the previous estimate of 1 in 3. Newsflash you fear mongering assholes:- we’re all gonna die of something, no-one gets out of here alive.
Therefore it is my intention to retain only viewing the BBC website for my daily dose of current affairs. Despite all the kiddy fucking, licence fee, phone competitions scandal and Terry Wogan, I still have faith in their impartiality and neutrality.They also have zero bullshit or vacuous celebrity stories on there. And this is the reason why I need to stop accessing websites like ‘The Daily Mirror’ etc. It showcases the very worst sides of humanity and in turn affects and brings down my mood. I suffer with low mood as it is and seeing a story that a jobless chav has just been released from prison after 5 minutes for snapping a puppy’s legs, causing it to be PTS, literally makes me cry and want to leave this world. I feel like Superman did when he saw Lois had died in her car as a result of the earthquake and flies angrily around the world to reverse time. I’m talking about the original film with the brilliant Christopher Reeve, not any of these recent pussy remakes. I could save the taxpayer so much money if every single person who harms, neglects or kills an animal were sent to me. Just them and me, one on one, in a room with no weapons. I don’t care how big or athletic they are, I would destroy each and every one of them with no compunction.
Another reason to boycott the superficial exposure of human scum and banality is the ‘celebrity culture’ most people seem fascinated by. Personally I don’t give a flying fuck which sphincter muscle David Beckham has had tattooed this week. I don’t care which number husband Katie Price, Kerry Katona and Danniella Westbrook are on. I don’t care which Kardashian is wasting perfectly good donatable organs right now, or which surgery Sharon Osbourne has paid for with Ozzy’s money. All of them are as relevant and as irrelevant as me.
Let me just give you the main headlines from today. I shit you not, these are genuine headlines and stories from ‘The Mirror’s’ website.
- Kim Kardashian and Rihanna flash their toned tums in matching crop tops. WHO gives a fuck? 2 massive attention whores, who are young and have enough money and airbrushing to look good. NEXT!
- Katie Price will renew wedding vows to celebrate winning CBB. You’ve only been married 5 minutes you plastic twat. GO FUCK YOURSELF!
- Harrowing undercover footage in butcher’s abattoir shows farm animals kicked, punched and thrown around. This is where I support all biblical methods of killing someone. As I say, bring them all to me. NO EXCUSES!
- Marnie Simpson and TOWIE’s Ricky Rament CONFIRM romance. WHO? SO WHAT? Two insignificant, inconsequential humans agree to fuck each other and dine in restaurants. GO KILL YOURSELVES!
- Fifty Shades actress Dakota Johnson steps out in all brown. SUBTEXT FOR – A woman who played an objectified, submissive ‘Fuck Pig’ in a film about fucking that will hamper the rest of her career, wore clothes today.
- Is that you Kylie Jenner? Teenager reveals ANOTHER new hairstyle. ROUGHLY TRANSLATED means a complete nobody who is on T.V. because her parents used to be, tries different things with her hair. SHOCK HORROR! At this point I should just point out that Bruce Jenner has been involved in a fatal car crash. No, sadly not his death, but isn’t it interesting that as soon as he becomes a woman, all of a sudden he can’t drive properly?
- Denise Welch poses in sports bra as she shows off 4lb weight loss. REALLY? Is there much point now that her face is 56 years old? Polish that turd away, be my guest.
- Neil Buchel murder: Dad rubbed CHILLI on his manhood before being ‘beaten to death by friends. This is the story where 4 mates having a boozy night and replicating their favourite moments from ‘Jackass’, inexplicably turns nasty, whereon the 3 turn on Neil and kill him with hammers and blades, before chopping him up into 10 pieces and dumping them in a lake. I have my friends over, we play FIFA or COD!
- He’s Adam AND Eve: Man discovers he has a womb – and could even get PREGNANT. FREDDIE ate my HAMSTER anyone? and finally
- Woman gives birth to 14lb baby – but didn’t know she was pregnant. THIS MEANS YOU ARE FUCKING OBESE. That’s 3 times bigger than Denise Welch’s back fat!
As you can see, this is soul draining, irrelevant information. I implore you all to boycott this type of utter garbage, don’t register to vote, don’t vote, don’t obey a pernicious god that doesn’t exist and whatever you do, DON’T read the news.
P.S. At the end of the news you normally get the sport. So here is today’s only football result that matters…
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR 2-1 ARSENAL
And that’s goodnight from me.