THE JUMP

Ice and celebrities clearly don’t mix. ‘Dancing On Ice’ managed to fuck up Vanilla Ice (knocked unconscious), Jennifer Ellison (sliced head open), Michael Underwood (broken ankle), Chesney Hawkes (ankle) and Keith Chegwin (fractured 3 ribs & shoulder). Now ‘The Jump’ is trying it’s best to kill off Beth Tweddle (fractured vertebrae), Rebecca Adlington (shoulder), Tina Hobley (dislocated elbow and fractured arm), Lousia Lytton (bruising); and that’s just in practice, not to mention all the other victims from previous series.

I understand that Heather Mills is scheduled to replace Adlington. That’s a step in the right direction as she has 50% less legs to break, so the insurance will be cheaper.

Reality TV has been a sucking leech on the tissue of critical thinking for far too long now. Even my uber intelligent sister has a penchant for ‘Take Me Out’. Why are we collecting a bunch of complete amateurs and giving them something to learn in 4 weeks that it takes professional athletes decades to master? What next? From the same channel that brought you Rebecca Loos wanking a pig, Channel 5 presents to you ‘The Surgery’ : 16 former Brookside and Eldorado actors perform life-saving heart surgery at a real hospital. Their knife skills are judged, points are deducted for each time the Heart Rate Monitor flatlines, and you can vote for who you think looks the best in their scrubs. The winner will get to donate their own organs to charity.

Instead of maiming Z-list soap actresses etc. can we not just round up all the Big Brother contestants and chuck them down slippy mountains? Or if you insist on making another series next year, can we please see the following try the luge without a helmet ;- James Corden, Amanda Holden, Katie Price and Miley Cyrus.

Cheers.

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 6

THIS WEEK ON COMPLETELY FIXED FACTOR

It was semi-final week in the shortest ever X-Factor competition, so Rita decided to mark the occasion by dressing like a low rent Beyonce. Poor old Simon; not only was he burgled this week but now he has to flog his car too. I’m surprised the burglars left a £75,000 car on the drive. Has anyone checked out Zippy and Bungle’s alibi? They looked a bit shifty. ‪#‎YouAintNoSingersBruv‬

Lionel Richie was the special guest. With each year that passes he looks more like his own clay head. Someone had to tell Lauren he wasn’t Zippy and Bungle’s dad; you can take the girl out of the tracksuit but you can’t take the tracksuit out of the girl. She got to practice spelling her name again for when she buys her Nan a Window Box, before Rita encouraged her to, “absolutely murder it again.” (her second song)

Louisa Johnson started her inevitable WAG journey by being passed around the West Ham dressing room. No wonder they could only manage a nil-nil yesterday. Zippy and Bungle finished off proceedings by having a ‘Twister’ trip.

Tonight we had to pretend that Lauren wasn’t crying before the sing-off because Olly had let slip again who was going home. Funny how Che’s lettering decals were very quickly added to his battle bus and there was no sign of a Lauren bus being reversed out or driven away.

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 5

THIS WEEK ON TIT TAPE FACTOR

Without fail Caroline Cack comes out each week dressed like a couple of 1970’s bobbies have thrown a jacket over a streaker to cover her up.

Che’s first song was Adele’s classic, “Hello…..ummmm….oooohh woooohhhh…..massive pause.” With at least half of the lyrics missing surely iTunes can’t charge the full price for it? Apparently Lionel Richie is on next week. I really hope Che covers his classic, “Hello.”

Zippy and Bungle treated us to some noise called, “whip / nae nae,” which apparently we need a, “stanky leg,” for. How are white people who don’t wear baseball caps meant to understand what the fuck is going on?

Finally Britain got sweet revenge on A,B,C and D for how Imelda Marcos treated The Beatles by turning away from their brand of prepubescent pop. The sing off was good though.

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 4

THIS WEEK ON SLOWLY WATCH CHERYL COLE DIE BEFORE YOUR EYES FACTOR
 
Cheryl continues to disappear at a rapid ‘Karen Carpenter’ rate but still found time to visit Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. What is up with her nose? Wally Murs was demoted to singing on Sunday, as most of the budget this week had to be spent on hiring an actress willing to play the role of Che Chesterman’s girlfriend. Che chose this week to play the ‘Dead Grandad’ card; about as much use as an ‘Enchanted Bunny’ in the ‘Mystic Warlords of Ka’a’…..Most of our Grandads are dead Che!
 
We lost Anton, who went from being a bossman to a bitch in less than a minute when he had a lover’s tiff with Grimmy before apologizing, and of course Mayonnoise, who looked resplendent this week in Bet Lynch’s coat. Unbelievably A B C and D of 4th Impact are still in, almost as incredulous as Wally being the only famous person Caroline Cack hasn’t tongued.
 
Awkward moment of the week came when Louisa’s Dad decided it was ‘Bring your daughter to work’ day…on a building site! I bet no-one was off sick.
 
Finally Zippy and Bungle came out to sing the same song they’ve sung for each of the last 4 weeks and were lauded as both the cure for depression and for terrorism.
 
FML.

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 3

THIS WEEK ON DENIAL FACTOR

It was a week of “What ifs?” Firstly we were ‘treated’ to a sycophantic soundbite of, “Be safe,” from Simon and a cheap token of respect in view of the Paris atrocities by dropping two songs that referred to killing, bullets or guns…except we the audience don’t know what songs the contestants have chosen, so it was utterly unnecessary to inform us that some had been changed; unless of course they want us to believe that Simon is possibly human. The real insult however, was the singers being praised for their, “character and strength,” in having to learn 50 words at short notice – obscene when you compare this to diving on a suicide bomber for example.

I was so looking forward to watching Saturday’s episode as I had heard rumour that one of Hewey, Dewey. Louie or Phooey had collapsed. You could dress each one of them up as the Teletubbies and tattoo their names on their foreheads and I still couldn’t pick out one from the other. Other let-downs were being denied the chance to hear Louisa sing ‘Licence to kill’, as I’m sure she would have done it justice and the tantalizing prospect of Caroline Flack interviewing Harry Styles. But the biggest disappointment was being teased with Zippy and Bungle singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’. That would have been the TV car crash to end all TV car crashes. I’m still convinced they’re actually Ant & Dec in those latex disguises filming for ‘Saturday Night Takeaway’.

We lost Maxzzzzz this week after a poignant vignette of him returning to an empty pub where he lives. We nearly lost Anton, who sounds like Errol Brown singing Whitney Houston in the club style while pissed. We also lost the breast singer, Monica, after Wally Murs accidentally revealed she was going home, long before the anticlimactic pause confirmed she was going home. “You’re getting sacked in the morning!”

Finally, Rita cried again and also admitted to fancying a bit of Che. At least I know I’m in with a chance if we ever meet. But if we don’t, I can only dream, “What if?”

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 2

I must admit most of it passed me by as I spent the whole programme trying to make out Rita’s nipples. Caroline Cack apparently said earlier in the week that she wouldn’t wear a poppy because she, “doesn’t support war,” so Wally Murs obviously had a word. Cheryl decided to dress like one of those 80’s kid purses and couldn’t hide her excitement when she saw Zippy & Bungle drop their pants.

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The show opened as it meant to go on with Huey, Dewey, Louie and Phooey singing The Owl and the Pussycat and it finished with Max jamming as George Formby. It was a painful clusterfuck from beginning to end made bearable only by Monica Michael’s chest.

THE X FACTOR LIVE SHOWS WEEK 1

THIS WEEK ON DICK FACTOR

Caroline Flack was allowed out of her low security whore hospital to spend some time with her carer Olly, and to provide him with an echo. The theme was, “It’s me,” meaning it was the contestants chance to showcase their artistry and individuality, i.e. to show us ‘This is me!’ They were going to sing a song which best illustrates who they are. This was made possible by stripping Max of his guitar, various hair stylists, wigs, spray tans, choreographers, vocal coaches and having their own songs PICKED FOR THEM.

Rita turned up looking like Hulk Hogan had shaved, wore pink eye shadow and was flexing his pecs every time he spoke. However, I awarded ‘Best Chest’ to Monica Michael. She played her ‘dead brother’ card perfectly last week. Mayonnoise continued the art of, “I’ll literally do anything you want,” by wearing a poppy…such a badass!

Strangest performance of the night came from Zippy and Bungle, the world’s most famous Chaka Demus & Pliers tribute act. They decided to dance like washing machines in front of two giant washing machines.

For some reason Cheryl decided to dress 4th Impact up as something Gary Glitter would order by Room Service. The show ended with an instantly forgettable song by Ben Whonow?

Tonight we lost ‘Whoopsie in my beret’ for singing the theme tune to Sesame Street and ‘Emo Uncovered’ for scaring all the little 9 year old girls who actually pick up the phone to vote on these shows.

See you next week!