Bored of online dating. It doesn’t work for me. I only keep a profile out of boredom plus it can occasionally throw out the odd decent, interesting woman. So I was bored and rewrote the lyrics to 1999 as my tribute to Prince.

I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this morning I was single for another day
Every time I log in it’s the same people everywhere
If your children are your world, you know I don’t even care

Say, say, two thousand one six party over POF is out of time
So tonight I’m gonna Faceparty like it’s 1999

I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if I go too fast
But Plenty Of Fish makes me glad that my time has passed
Fake eyebrows all around me, my mind says to click log out
Bored of most girls ‘cos all they do in pics is fucking pout

Say, say, two thousand one six party over POF is out of time
So tonight I’m gonna Faceparty like it’s 1999

If you can’t spell “you’re” properly, don’t bother knocking on my door
Got a brain in my head and yet still I come back for more
Everybody is a mum, enjoys fun and socializes with their friends zzz
So I’m just gonna stay single until my life comes to an end


Watching yourself slowly age
Just enough to become out of date
Is the longest wait and heaviest weight
To carry before tempting fate
Having your spirits dampened
Switching reflections to a stand-in
Whose strangeness is rampant
In a hurry to get nowhere
But you can never get home
Despite many failed comebacks
Back again comes the relapse
To sow the bends and plant the cracks.


I always thought of life as a computer game. A giant, sprawling sandbox with a choice of ending before eventually, ‘GAME OVER’. Milestones to achieve, coins to collect and a depleting life bar to protect. Enemies to fight, decisions to make and puzzles to solve. But what if you’re not very good at playing it? Even worse; what if you don’t enjoy playing it anymore?

There isn’t a walk-through guide or any warp zones, which is a shame as I’d like to go back and play the beginning again or skip to the end depending on my mood. There are some cheat codes, e.g. theft, fraud etc. but I’ve always hated cheating. I’d rather fail by myself than win because of someone else. The game begins with an elaborate introduction and tutorial which teaches you the basics; such as how to eat and not go near fires etc. The first few levels are awesome and so easy too. It was really fun to play with so many rewards.

The most exciting part as I continued to play longer was gaining experience points and leveling up, which meant I was able to unlock greater sequential freedoms and the stories could branch off and lead me on various exciting side missions. The HD graphics are amazing and everything is in 3-D. So many beautiful colours. Most of the first end of level bosses were easy; normally teachers in tweed jackets with elbow pads who threw board rubbers at your head. They were easy to dodge.

When your avatar reaches adolescence and adulthood the game gets much trickier. All sorts of new enemies fill the screen and you can get easily confused about which direction you’re meant to go in. I took many, many wrong paths thinking that they were the right ones, but I kept coming back to where I’d started. The story arc for taking the wrong options is eventually losing all of your weapons and xp. Right now I’m low on currency but I have plenty of health packs.

The general gameplay is fun but a tad repetitive once you’ve put in about 30 years. Right now I’m roaming around the same town with my trusty canine sidekick. There’s a princess that I’m in love with but she doesn’t need rescuing. In fact she needs to rescue me. In the meantime I hope for some new exciting DLC to drop. Lots of the people I’ve met along the way want me to keep playing but it’s boring and I’m tired of it. I really wish I wasn’t because I haven’t completed it yet, and I love unlocking trophies and hate quitting.

For You (POEM)

Please don’t change a single thing about the way you look
You are perfection and nature will look after you
She will hold you in her arms and continue to grace you
Whilst I alone write the words to her picture book
Don’t search for the past because you don’t need to
I can’t freeze time, she won’t even let me slow it down
She only feeds me scraps and I’m dying so hungry now
Just everything about you makes me breathe and drown
For you in each moment is the first time we met for me
I will stay trapped there if it means you are always free
Will you visit or am I just too unworthy?
Thank you for a glimpse of sunshine today
Retreating home I cried in joy all the way
Because I love you, oh how I love you, I’m too frightened to say.


I’ve wasted time practicing perfect
You had the key and locked me up
Cos Lady Muck doesn’t give a fuck

I’ve wasted time not giving up
A short story that you wrote long
From grassy knolls that you stood on

You can’t always get what you want
But always want what you can’t get
Those you serve will have you gunned down
And I’m a debt she hasn’t paid yet

I’ve wasted time stranded in Love Field
The heart that yearned is often spurned
But still revolves just as the world turns.


A young child would never dream of smoking a cigarette
A young child would never dream of drowning their sorrows
A young child would never dream of sorrows to begin with
A young child would never dream of cutting themselves
A young child would never dream of taking illegal substances
A young child would never dream of pain or religious dogma
A young child would never dream of caring what they look like
A young child would never dream of ending their own life
A young child would never dream of what they’re going to inherit from us
I dream of innocence.


Should there be any humanity left in 100 years, I thought it would be helpful to leave them with an insight of what it was like coming of age in the early part of the 21st century, so they are able to trace the seeds sown for the armageddon they barely survived. Look upon this as a time capsule if you will. I was born and raised in the dilapidated seaside town of Margate, Kent, top of the county’s list for social deprivation, poverty and lack of jobs. I was an average looking man, with a below average body and an above average IQ. Here’s how we used to live.

The advent of mobile phones / smartphones was the single biggest catalyst for a total breakdown in communication among our species and the beginning of the ‘Terminators’ you now know. All previous intimate ways of communicating began to erode at a rapid rate. As a child I would write letters using something called ‘pens’ and ‘paper’ to family, girlfriends etc. and believe it or not, but we used to talk to each other whilst in the same room! You probably have a Google / Facebook chip in your brains now but in the early days of Big Brother, we only used it to update our acquaintances with pictures of our meals and cats. This spiralled out of control when people began to conduct their personal relationships online whilst being in immediate proximity of each other. For example, a couple would be out for dinner in a restaurant yet both be on their phones providing real-time commentary on the delivery of their dishes. We stopped saying, “good morning,” or, “hello,” to one another in the street. We stopped visiting people because we could talk to them on ‘FaceTime’ without having to get up off the couch.

Phones also ruined countless relationships. Women would search their partners’ phones to find nude pictures of other women. Men would create false identities online in order to solicit sex or groom children. In this way people became dispensable to one another and impassive to each other. The proliferation of dating and swinger websites meant people stopped trying to repair broken relationships or work harder at personal growth. Instead they interchanged and swapped partners on a regular basis, which ultimately led to the breakdown of the nuclear family. Sorry for using the ‘n’ word there, bit insensitive of me!

Phones also allowed us to film ourselves doing dumb things which we could then share globally in an instant. This created an environment of one upmanship for who could do the best dumbest thing. My favourite was the guy who choked and died showing off to his mates he could eat a whole cheeseburger in one mouthful. People got dumb real quick.

Another trigger we initiated for you was abusing nature and polluting the environment with flagrant waste and disposal. The world was essentially split into two; half the world had too much food and the other half had none. You’d think the solution would be easy. But what did the half with too much do? They started ‘World Competitive Eating Championships’ and ‘Food Challenge’ websites. These tournaments would demonstrate how fortunate people could eat over 100 hot-dogs or chicken wings in 7 minutes, before puking it all back up. People would actually train their bodies to ingest several pounds of food, significantly more than was necessary to survive. But they weren’t all heartless and avaricious. When the starving people came knocking they would have charity bake sales or sit in a massive tub full of baked beans.

I think another contributing factor to your downfall came as a result of us having too much of everything; if you lived in certain societies of course. Consequences for actions were incrementally removed. We were unable to smack our children anymore when they misbehaved, so they began to misbehave more. This ultimately led to social unrest, lack of respect, compassion for others, empathy, morality and bad attitudes. Our levels of impatience grew exponentially as a result of excess. We introduced the 24/7 climate; you could get what you wanted, when you wanted, with money you hadn’t earned yet and if you owed too much and couldn’t pay, you could get another loan. We became accustomed to thinking everything should be done for us immediately. We realized that by becoming aggressive and violent we could get it done even faster. When I was a child I had a computer and a game took at least five minutes to load. I was perfectly happy with that. When I reached adulthood technology had become exceedingly more advanced, to the point where I would get irate at loading screens taking only seconds. The pace of change was far too rapid. Many older people felt left behind, overwhelmed or lacked confidence with technology. They were ostracized from communities and became their own little fraternity. This perpetrated even further division between the generations, which in turn corrupted the vital passing on of values and traditions.

Symptomatic of excess was boredom. We all had too much and so didn’t know what to do next or how to connect with the true potential of our species. Eventually everything became generic. Cars all looked the same. Songs all sounded the same. Even young women all looked the same. We’d run out of ideas, so in a panic, any new ones were not subjected to previous rigorous vetting. Literally anything went. Instead of allowing people to adjust to change and experience it, the next change or experience was already being thrust upon them. We had to start coming up with new shit. So people decided to change sex. Children as young as 5 years old were allowed to swap gender. Men would cut their penises off and wear wigs in their 60’s. Women started sucking their own sanitary towels for porn and men would fuck joints of pork or put their bell-ends in cups of maggots. Kids started decapitating cats and murdering their parents. We pushed back the frontiers of decency.

The final nail in your coffin was the habitual celebration of mediocrity and reward for failure. We flooded the lands with babies we could not afford to provide the resources for. Competition and ‘survival of the fittest’ was vanquished. Everyone became a ‘winner’, even if they came last; they were the ‘last winner’. Nobody had a sense of humbleness or constraint; everyone had a sense of entitlement. Therefore the cream stopped rising to the top. Standards in education steadily declined, class sizes got bigger and teachers quit. If one child had a severe allergic reaction to chocolate, then every pupil was banned from bringing chocolate to school. The gene pool got diluted. Innocence was repealed. Children were encouraged to ascertain adulthood much earlier and bought skimpy clothes to wear. Fame was allocated arbitrarily and pseudo celebrity embraced.

Perhaps I’m guilty of a little ‘free association’ but then I’m bitter about not having self-tying shoes, flying cars or hoverboards. So swings and roundabouts I suppose.